Following Your Heart and Remembering Why

I always struggled with whether I should work full-time.  If I worked full-time we could buy a house and afford more “things”.   When my daughter was about eighteen months old I had the opportunity to accept a full-time position.  I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to buy a house and move out of our studio apartment.  However, at the same time I learned that I was pregnant with my son.  Of course, this changed everything.  I tended to have difficult pregnancies with health issues and decided it was best to not pursue a full-time position at this time.  The house would have to wait until I had this baby.  But when I had the baby, he turned out to be one of those “needy” babies that cried a lot and needed to be held almost constantly.  It was at this time that I decided to follow my heart and stay home with this baby and hold him till he didn’t need to be held so much.  That turned out to be three years.

It was hard to stay home and love this baby.  Sometimes I got depressed about not starting my life.  It took me years to discover that I had started my life.  My life was my children.  I have continued to work part-time.  My dream of buying a house never came true.  I make due with what I have.  I am frugal.  My children’s needs come first.  I try to always be there for them.  Sometimes at the expense of myself (which is certainly a mistake!).

What I have realized is that my children matter more than my things.  When I die, unfortunately, my things cannot die with me (or go with me for that matter).  When I die, I am dead, whether I disperse into pure energy form and go back to the earth, fly to heaven, or continue a new life on that other planet that I am descended from…I know not.  What I do know is that the years my children are small are very few, in comparison to the years that my life is (if I am fortunate and it is long).  During those few years (the first three being the most formative IMHO) I have the opportunity to show and teach my genes what I have learned.  (Believe me I have succeed in learning a lot, not about book knowledge but about emotional knowledge, and self knowledge.)  Because in the end when I am gone those children of mine have the ability to continue living and using and knowing and teaching what I have learned and given to them.  In the end they are my everlasting life and it’s up to me (it’s up to us really) to teach them what we know while they still want to listen (birth to about 14).  Then we must let them go and watch and wait and hope that they make choices which are productive for them and who they are.  We must wait and hope they do indeed become a better version of us.

Make me proud my children.  I have followed my heart and given my life to you in hopes that I will create a new history in my family that spreads love and understanding.  In hopes that you will too spread what I know (peace, love, kindness, healing)  and make the world a better place. Make me proud, live long, be strong, and following your heart in all things human and real.  Please remember that truly “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” 1 Timothy 6:10

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