Wanting You

Dedicated to my mother.

She was feeling restless and unfulfilled with her life. Bored. She wanted to be wild, crazy and free from it all. When I was younger, I didn’t understand, for years I hated her for acting on her feelings, but now I know.  I’m living that dysfunction again, only this time I’m her and I feel the same uninhibited energy flowing through my body.

I think about you too often. I want more than the little glimpses that I get into your life.


Me: Lunch or coffee?

Him: Coffee.

Me: When? Where?

Him: 11:30…my place

Me: Where is your place?

Him: 202 E Surgess 59210

Me: See you!

As I slowly drive up the dirt road to his house, the dust billows up, and around in a huge cloud.  Coughing, slowing, I can’t get the window up fast enough.  The heat is stinging my eyes, it’s hotter here than at my house.  He’s not here yet.  I’m always early.  He’s always late, I muse, it’s his nature.  Suddenly, my senses are alerted when a large Boxer, teeth viscously bared, begins barking loudly (sudden adrenaline), inside the yard, (relief).  I decide to cower  in the car.


Me:  waiting!

Him: there in 10! Go inside. Make yourself at home.

Me: the dog!?

Him: Scotty. Dog bones back gate. Cost two for 4evr friend!

Me: (thumbs up emoji)

It’s hot and beads of perspiration drip down my neck, back, belly. I find the bones, offer one to the ferocious beast. “Here Scotty doggy. Here boy!” I call sweetly.  The barking stops. He gobbles the treat, wags his tail and sits expectantly waiting for another.  When I jiggle the handle and open the gate, he lets me in. Good dog! I think.  I walk around to the front door, but it’s locked.  Back around to the backyard, I try the sliding glass door and it’s open.  Now Scotty is my best friend, he’s heeling perfectly by my side.  I step into a bright orange kitchen and wince.  He just bought this place, I suddenly remember him saying.  I think, hmmm…Coffee? (I know it sounds funny to want a hot drink on a blistering day, by my grandfather swore the best way to battle the heat was with a steaming cup o’ Jo.) I see the pot, find the beans, grinder, add the water, and wait.  When he arrives, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills his home.

“Hello! How are you?” Big impulsive, electric, smile, hair long and blonde and wild. Eyes, bold steel blue today.  There’s something in them besides tiredness, however, that I have not seen before.

“I’m doing well, thank you. How about yourself?” It’s been months since I’ve seen him. He looks tall and fit. Immediately I feel the familiar stirrings.  Briefly, I wonder why I’m here and where this is going.  I think about what I am risking losing by being here, but we’re just friends, I reassure myself, waving off my fears. (What I’m risking is my marriage of 20 years.)

He’s staring at me the entire time (I feel as if he is looking into me), he walks towards me, ignoring the dog dancing around his legs. He stops close enough to me that if I were to reach out my hand, just a little, I could touch him. He hesitates.  It feels like he’s seeing me  and I him for the first time, all over again. As he gazes into my eyes I wonder what he’s thinking. (I want him to kiss me, that’s what I’m thinking.  Grab me and ravish me.) I dare not ask. He’s so honest, he’d tell me! I want to wait and see what happens, even though the suspense is rattling me. He steps closer, his hands encircle my waist. I tingle as if electrified from his touch. He bends down and ever so gently grazes my cheek with his lips, then my neck; I feel the roughness of his stubbly facial hair.  He pulls me closer, burying his face in my hair, breathing in my smell, and embraces me tightly, warmly. I feel my collar bone pressing into his pecks. And for the first time I smell him.  When his musky, sweet smell fills my brain, my heart beats even faster, I feel faint, and breathless.  The dog barks impatiently startling both of us apart.


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