I once read in a fictional Anne Tyler novel, “Life is not a straight line–either downward or upward–either one–but something more irregular, a zigzag or a corkscrew or sometimes a scribble. And sometimes you get to what you thought as the end and find a whole new beginning!”
Sometimes I feel like I’m there in that irregular part of life. I really was thinking for the longest time that life happened in an organized series of events. First you get married, buy a house, have children. We got married, have our children and have never bought a house. (We’ve been married for 15 years now.) I figured we’d buy the house, settle down, end of story, but now I see that a new beginning (a new life) is being created. It took me a long time to understand why we failed at the buying a house ending. I know there must be more than one reason, but I know this one is pretty big. Parents divorced and the beloved house complete with, land, pool and horses were forever lost. The place where one grew up and became confident, destroyed. A place where one could return to in order to recharge, regroup and redefine, destroyed. One’s identity shredded into tiny pieces and thrown asunder.
Sometimes in life events happen to us that we internalize, forever changing our world view. We might respond with a zigzag or corkscrew or we might stop completely. Once we get past the hump or break or explosion, we never quite find our old selves. There’s always a scar from where we were ripped apart. I guess what I’m trying to say is that plans were made, rules were followed and lives fell apart; but they didn’t fall apart until after the house was purchased. We grow up, and without realizing it, live parallel lives to the ones we grew up in. It’s why people choose who they do to be with. We’re comfortable, experienced, knowledgeable, about a certain style of living, about certain human behaviors. It’s certainly uncomfortable to change, so we usually don’t. I think what we fail to see is that if we make a conscious decision to understand a situation, and forgive those involved (in making choices we hated–like divorce–like our parents), then we can accept rather than recreate (our own divorce). We can renew and redo, and heal, but not until we get past the pain, anger, fear, and hate. Never forget if we do attempt to redo and renew that the fear, the anger, the hate, the pain can sometimes still surface. Emotions are very powerful and without a doubt can rule our life choices at times. Especially when we don’t even have an awareness of what they are about.
So today, I’m letting go of my dream of owning my own home. I’m accepting and understanding that not buying a home is what he needs to do to guarantee that our marriage will survive.