Broken

 

That I am broken

I don’t know

I feel as though my skin has been ripped from my body

I’m oozing, bleeding, burning

My stomach rock hard aching churning

I wish I could rip out

Where my pain dwells

It’s my body that I hate

I’m fat, and ugly

Mom I can see your ribs!

Ms. Lady you’re beautiful!

My eyes

Sometimes I love my eyes

It’s the one thing I think isn’t broken

When I look in there I think I still see me

In my insanity such thoughts

Suicide, maybe I should just drive over

Down, down, down

Crash, smash, boom

Forever in real pain or paralyzed

Stop, I scream at my mind

Who is that person

Full of HATE for me

You are just human

broken

struggling

fighting

to be You again

Not who they programed you to be

Don’t question, think, feel

Just follow blindly crawling in the dark

Frantically hands patting along dusty shit semen piss sticky floors

People screaming, stabbing, punching, pulling, pushing, ANGER

So much HATE, RAGE, PAIN

I knew if I could just make it all stop

Find a better place

Then it would end

That I could change it

When I would fix it

Everyday in the better place is a maze

Feelings, thoughts, reactions, reasoning

NOT APPLICABLE often UNREASONABLE

Anniversary’s so many not realized

Until triggered most unexpectantly

Just an age change, a birthday for her

For me a realization, about my blinding pain

Severe neglect, not just from my parents but

Those around me

But what can you do in the midst of such dysfunction

As an outsider, but to turn away from the freak

Just hope it walks away if you don’t look

If it doesn’t, throw it away

Doesn’t anyone see me up here

Wanting to jump

No one cares

Because they themselves are in too much pain

Hiding, denying, covering, smothering

Damage creates carnage and chaos

If you are asleep

Damage creates life and beauty

If you are awake

Once awakened flows

Misery, weeping, sitting, feeling

forgiveness, breeds peace, understanding, gives freedom

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