One of the six definitions of ego is: self-esteem or self-image; feelings.
Often my morning begins with intense feelings of sorrow; like someone has died. Usually, these feelings linger till noon when for mysterious reasons they subside; like magic I feel happy.
Today I didn’t want to feel sad. I decided to accept and embrace my sadness. To see it, as not who I am, but how I was feeling. I focused on my breathing, with each breath I welcomed my rapidly encroaching depression. You know what I realized? I wasn’t focusing on now. I was living in the future (which doesn’t even exist). Making up stories about mistakes I might make, and fearing failure before I’ve even begun.
Here’s the truth: I am going to make mistakes. I hate making mistakes. I find them embarrassing. Failure? Honestly, it can happen, but I don’t usually fail without an incredible fight.
I recently read this in A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle: “To the ego, the present moment is, at best, only useful as a means to an end. It gets you to some future moment that is considered more important, even though the future never comes except as the present moment and is therefore never more than a thought in your head. In other words, you are never fully here because you are always busy trying to get elsewhere.”
It got me thinking that my ego is the problem. When I don’t worry about what other people are going think of my mistakes (or failures) and I stay true to myself, my life is easier. Please don’t misconstrue that, I care about others, I try to make peaceful, constructive, kind decisions. Sometimes I think I’m not good enough, not smart enough, just not enough of anything for anyone. (That’s my ego right there!) However, when I get in touch with who I am really am–doing good, spreading knowledge and kindness–not how I feel or what’s happened to me or going to happen to me, I shine through, not my ego.
The present moment is not an obstacle to be overcome, my ego is.