My Scared Faithless Person

Hey does anyone else have one of these little people inside of you?

When stressful situations are tossed my way, the first instinct I have is to run as fast as I can in the other direction.  Even if it’s not appropriate.

What creates my anxiety?  I tell myself awful stories that play like movies in my mind.

I wonder, was it my childhood that programmed me to prepare for the Tsunami that I cannot see, but instinctively know is coming.

When my instincts have deemed life detrimental, all of my faith, what little I have, becomes crushed under the weight of what feels like a thousand people trampling me while they run away.  I am helpless to save myself.

I was helpless to save myself.  As a child, fleeing is what I wanted to do.  I cannot tell you how many times I have apologized to 6 year old me for not rescuing me.  I did abandon myself, I was for years helpless and alone. I was 6 years old!

So it’s this little person inside of me, not yet healed, that gives the signals, plays the movies, prepares for the worst that is to come.  Haunts me when I least expect it. Mixing up my present with my past.

Looking back after all these years, the worst has never been as bad as what little 6 year old me had to endure.

I wish sometimes that I could explain to that little damaged me that I have learned the skills to keep her safe.  Now I won’t let anyone hurt like she was hurt.

How can it have been so long ago and the wounds are still raw, the fears are there, the pain still so near?  I don’t understand what I need to do to heal that part of me or even if it’s possible.

I am not helpless.  The movies are not real.  Now, this minute as I type this, as you read this, is real.

Six year old me come along

Hold my hand

We will walk

Not run

We will conquer

Not fear

We will grow

And know

That all is well

We will know all that is peace

come with me

I will not abandon you

I will rescue from the storm

Hold you high in my arms

Keep you safe

Give you a home

No longer will you need to roam

You are home

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2 thoughts on “My Scared Faithless Person

  1. God bless you. I don’t know what happened to you, but my mom suffers form PTSD. Trauma doesn’t keep time. The slightest little reminder can take us back to a time where we genuinely were not safe, and that fight or flight instinct kicks in. It’s the body’s way of trying to stay alive. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s just a basic survival instinct. The problem comes when the body doesn’t get the message that the danger is passed. It sounds like you are doing a very good job of grounding yourself int he present, however. That’s what works best for my mom. Sometimes we walk through it together: “You are here, in your home, and you are safe…” Healing takes time, and that’s okay. sometimes the heart and mind take time to heal, just like a broken bone or torn muscle. Some trauma takes more time to heal than others. Just hang in there, and if you’re a spiritual person, I’ve found that prayer helps. God is always a will and able helper in our time of need. He care for you. God bless you and your journey of healing. Audrey

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