Let me just say that there is something more about my life (and all of our lives) that I cannot understand or see. I wish I could prove what happens to me, almost on a daily basis. It’s not supernatural, it’s factual. Just not scientifically based.
This morning I woke up overwhelmed with my life. I was telling myself I was a failure. That I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Making mistakes. Not realizing things were due. Unsure about how to handle certain situations. All this about my job and how I was “doing” at it.
Then I go to work and am offered full-time instead of part-time. But I thought I was doing a horrible job? Nah…just those lousy tapes playing.
What is happening is that every time I think one way (negatively) I learn that quite the opposite is true about me. Who I am is shown to me through others, and daily experiences. If I listen, stay aware, then I see, and don’t get lost in fantasy.
Apparently, I am way too hard on myself. It’s hard for me to see who I really am. I’m so bogged down with all the
m e s s a g e s
From my mother.
Before I was born (before we are all born) still inside the womb we first started getting the messages, the programming that would influence our intellect. So many of the messages were not chosen by me, but given to me. (Talk about alien abductions!)
Now I spend my days away from her
Reviewing tapes-not by choice believe me-that sting like a burr
Sometimes they intrigue me
Other times they disbelieve me
There are so many scary seeds
I don’t remember, all their ugly deeds
I blunder through my days, like a blind man with no cane.
No words, no sight, just feelings so blinding, bright and shame.
Weeks rush by like a random river after the rains.
Damaged and bruised like old fruit IT remains.
Rolling around on the floorboard of a hot car on long summer days.
I look at my calendar and am amazed, maybe even dazed.
At my age? This stage? What will be the next war I rage?
A constant struggle, deep inside, how to abide.
With the damaged, angry child inside.
Now this is new an angry you.
For all the times they took from me.
What meant most and was dearest to me.
YOU TOOK MY LANGUAGE!!! I want to scream.
You took my voice and made me a meme.
My future you sealed in a jar.
Buried me deep under piles of shit as heavy as a car.
And you with your attitude oh what of it!
I used to dream of running away from the fit.
I did one day.
I went away.
But boxed it up deep inside to all go along for the ride.
Now here I sit, hateful, but must abide.
Nothing I can do to control it.
But I can HATE it!