Our mind lies to us everyday. Surprisingly we believe those lies.
I’m fat, ugly, worthless, no one loves me.
We think if someone would just love us then we’d be happier or more fulfilled.
Maybe what we think we are missing is the possessions others have. If we had that car, job, dress, house on the hill, or any earthly desire, our lives would be complete.
We have regrets, lots of them. My father’s biggest regrets were that he should’ve dropped out of high school to do an apprenticeship at a bicycle shop and shouldn’t have left my mother. Maybe you think you should’ve taken that job, or not taken the job or married this person or not married that person. We are always looking back.
We’re always looking outside of ourselves for what we need. But I think most of us are lost because what we really seek is inside. We’re looking for ourselves, but no one ever tells us that.
Why? Well we’re jockeying for that position of who we want others to think we are based on what we have, where we travel, what we do, where we live. Everything we strive for is done as a means to end, to benefit ourselves.
It’s the tangible things that we can see that we think we need, but we’re forgetting what’s most important, ourselves.
So much of who we are starts at birth, and like a rock rolling down hill it propels us in a direction, that we don’t get to choose.
During our early years, we end up with tons of data inside our heads we cannot remember. So that when we finally come of age, we are a mystery to ourselves. Some of us “wake up” in a huge pile of (pardon the expression) shit that we mistakenly accept as our identity.
We begin our lives busily slaying the internal dragon. Ourselves? We run, dodge, and hide; by staying overly busy, drinking, eating, shopping, self-harming, whatever we can to keep the demons buried deep inside. To avoid the TRUTH.
Most of us are not aware that we’re being triggered, stand ready to attack the next person who stirs our demons.
I believe that each of us has a core person. I believe that if we were untouched by others untruths we would emerge as the “real” us. However, that’s not possible because we are born helpless, defenseless, and dependent; their reality, perception, story is ours.
What is our journey, our job? It’s to get back to that core person, and take all the shit and use it for good. It’s to make the world a better place. It’s to rewrite our history. To retell our stories. To be at peace.
Dedicated to my father who may I pray has finally found peace. October 27, 2016 he took his own life. He was a intelligent, kind, giving, caring person, who just wanted someone to love him. I love you dad.
If you haven’t hugged your father today and told him you love him please do.