In October my dad killed himself. At first, I wasn’t fazed, I think I was shocked. It wasn’t a surprise really, he’d tried to kill himself two times prior (that I know of).
It’s April now and I’ve realized his death has affected me a lot.
I really don’t know what to write tonight. I just know that it’s different when someone takes their own life.
If you have a father, keep in touch and don’t leave on bad terms. The last conversation I had with my father wasn’t a good one. I was upset with him and he with me. We never spoke again.
I understand that it’s not my fault. Depression is what really killed him. He suffered so many losses and was never able to grieve them properly. I think. He left no note.
In the picture is also his father, who killed himself and murdered his wife (when I was 14).
The art is some of the things that he said upset him while growing up and some of the things that we know now through research and raising babies will upset some people.
In the end I think he felt unloved, unwanted, and better off dead. I understand he couldn’t have stayed any longer. The pain was too great, the losses too large, and life was too painful.
Thank you for reading.