It’s no secret that I struggle with trust. It’s one of my “core issues”.
Years ago, my husband said to me–as I was in the midst of a panic attack–“Don’t you have faith in life that everything will be okay?”
Honestly, that was the first time I had ever heard “faith” presented that way. Usually it was about believing in God and miracles When I heard that word this scripture chimed in my head. “If you have faith the grain of a mustard seed, mountains can be moved!” But I don’t really want to move mountains. So how is faith even helpful with my current situation!?
Let me explain why I’m writing today. I’ve been studying lately for a expensive test that I’d prefer to not fail. I want to PASS. It’s part of a five year goal I created for myself to better my education and hone my skills to be better at what I do. Also, it’s part of retrieving the educational opportunities that were taken from me as a teenager.
I’ve been struggling with having faith in my abilities. Lately, when I run into a difficult problem, I hear the negative self talk. Sometimes I’m not successful with halting that voice and I believe what it says. Then I get down on myself and feel like I can’t pass. I believe I will fail.
Here’s some of the thoughts that certainly need to be challenged…welcome into my mind.
THOUGHTS: There is so much to learn and know, how can I ever pass this test? I can’t know everything?
MY SELF TALK: You don’t have to know everything. Just enough to pass.
THOUGHTS: The questions are all going to be so hard and tricky that I’ll never pass. They want me to fail. It’s designed to make me fail.
MY SELF TALK: Oh no! This is true! I’m not smart enough to pass, I will fail.
It’s been my experience that if you listen and are open there are coincidences (some may think of them as signs) that occur at the exact moment you need them.
I have this little magazine that I picked up to read in an attempt to distract my negativity. I enjoy it because it’s packed full of positive stories and often I find something uplifting to refocus myself. I read the following within moments of picking up the magazine:
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
Here’s how those words changed my self talk and debunked my belief.
MY SELF TALK: This is true! I stress and over prepare because I’m afraid I don’t know anything. I’m afraid I’m dumb or stupid, just like my parents and teachers told me. (In my mind floods memories of many adults on many occasions towering over fearful, tiny, young me demanding “What’s wrong with you!?” Those words echo in my mind.) I suddenly realize I heard those words so much growing up that I internalized them as a core belief that something is wrong with me. I can’t learn. I’m dumb. I’m stupid. I can’t pass. This isn’t true! I must trust myself, because I do know more than I think I do!
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do too!