Donut

Miracles happen all the time in my life.  Here’s another one that happened yesterday. Sometimes life is hectic and I get frustrated and take it out on myself.  This is totally an ED thing, but once in awhile it still happens.    My personal life and my job have been hectic lately and I walked out the door, not eating, but I have food at work and usually eat my snacks while I get ready for my day.  (So don’t get me wrong I was going to eat.)

I drive by Einstein’s Bagels everyday and almost stopped, but my computer was crashing and I needed to get into work to call the IT department early for some HELP.  So I drove on by and didn’t allow myself that treat, no matter how bad I wanted it.  I had other responsibilities to attend to. (I know I know I need to take care of myself first or nothing else will get taken care of, but just read on.)

As I was driving to work, my mind wandered back to a place (that always reminded me of my grandmother’s home, it had the same smells and clutter.) I used to work regularly.  And I wished that just once someone would bring in a treat like they used at that job.

What happened next, I find amazing.

When I got to work, signed in and stopped by my friend’s office for a quick hello.  I told her I am sooo hungry and wish someone had some food this morning.

Oh she says, I have donuts right here.  Would you like one?  Now these weren’t just any donuts.  There happens to be a Donut shop that I LOVE that makes the best non greasy good quality donuts on the planet.  It was from this shop that these donuts were purchased from.

I almost said no, but realized this was a tiny miracle happening and accepted a donut.  Cinnamon dusted and apple filled, the most delicious treat!  My favorite!

So if you don’t believe in miracles, even though this sounds trivial.  It was a big one in my life yesterday.

Thank you for reading and I wish you a small miracle today!

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Everything Happens for a Reason

I believe that everything happens for a reason and that humans are connected to one another.

I remember when my children where little, taking them to the nearby lake and tossing a few pebbles into the water. As we watched each pebble fall it would create a ring.  Each ring would ripple, grow and eventually cross into each other.  Ah ha, my first tangible example I had of how we humans are connected.

Today I was grumpy, tired, day dreamy, and driving to my hair appointment.  Not really in a hurry, but I needed to be there on time.  For some unknown reason–even though I had Siri barking out directions–I merged left rather than right.  When I realized I was about to miss my turn I signaled and tried to merge, but (I feel) no one noticed and I was forced to go straight.  A little miffed, I almost decided to continue, but thought I might be late if I didn’t use the freeway.  So I decided to make a U-turn and double back.

Then I did something different, I decided to try to go the new way Siri was taking me.  I passed my normal turn, merged off the freeway, and waited behind another car at the light.  When the light turned green the car in front of me quickly turned left and I proceeded slowly (I drive like a little old lady–always have) when suddenly a man on a bike zipped right out in front of me.  I think the only reason I stopped or even saw him was because I ride a bike and maybe that makes me more aware of bicyclist.

Now I’m left wondering if the events leading up to that moment when our paths crossed were somehow connected. Were we connected today?  Would he have been hit had another driver been waiting?

I’d like to think the reason I was deterred today was for that moment, where quite possibly a life was preserved.

So as you’re going about your business and “things” don’t go your way, remember that everything happens for a reason and more often than not we never know why.

water-intersecting-ripples-6694962

Daily Prompt: Moon

via Daily Prompt: Moon

You and Moon

Years have past

Since I have last

Thought of you

But a full moon brings you back

Just one glance up high in the sky

And I am reminded of how I wanted to fly

Why?

To seek an end and begin a new

For months it was you, you, you

Then suddenly you were not new

and I KNEW

It was not you that I wanted

It was me and I that I needed

In you I saw all that I had lost and what I wished to be

In you was me

The giant moon reminds me when I covet another

That it’s really a loss of me that I want to rediscover/recover

I don’t really want to gain another loss

Little Miracle in Big Red Letters

Let me know if this has ever happened to you.

Summer 2016.  Laid off.

I like to tell myself good and bad stories, usually in that order.  (Sometimes, I wish I would just shut up and stop telling myself these stories-they are NEVER true or REAL.)

The good story starts like this:  Even though I’ve been laid off, I am still being considered for a position.

(I have one of those jobs where lay offs are just another one of the job skills.  “Must be able to tolerate being laid off without being told and stay positive. While left guessing, hoping, and finally praying that you may get another job.”)

The bad story starts like this: After a month of lala land and thinking positively, I need facts.  While attempting to figure out what is going on with the job, I email my contact person, who forwards that email to another person–I don’t even know–who promptly replies that I have been placed into the “pool” as of a month ago– without notifying me.  However, I don’t want to be in the pool.  I’ve been there for over 10 years.  Also, I received no paperwork confirming I could even work in the pool. So I call (you know on the phone), get another contact name, leave a message and never hear anything back.  Voice mail = delete.  Haha…we are ignoring you!  (What did I tell you? Bad story…not true.)

I don’t know if anyone else is like this but sometimes I get in these really bad story telling cycles and can’t get out of them.  I end up not like myself and making myself nuts.

Here’s when it gets worse…a person who was not laid off accidentally emails me rather than the original sender.  I learn they were kept and I was not.  It made me mad.  Really mad.  So mad that while taking my aggression out on cleaning my bathrooms, I put my ring in a safe place and late that evening when I go to find it, it’s not there!  Frantically, I look everywhere.  I even check the trash (I’ve been known to toss things out unknowingly while angry cleaning).  After a few hours, I have to stop looking and force myself to accept it’s gone.  I go to bed, crying, praying “Please God, if I could just see my ring one more time”.

In the morning, I still can’t find my ring.  I’m not mad anymore, just sad, crying and crying. (About the ring and that other person being hired and not me.) I check the trash again,  (you know really dig through it-gross), the garbage disposal, beg my spouse to check the drains (maybe it fell down the drain? his idea).

I’m still so upset and crying that when I try to walk my dog (who always pulls like a wild maniac) I find it impossible to tolerate him.  We don’t even get down the block, I walk him back home.  Grab the big trash can, dig through all those bags (even though it’s totally impossible that the ring is there-but I’ve looked everywhere!) and don’t find it.

I’m so upset, giant tears streaming down my face, I feel so awful and alone.  I decide to go for run, without the dog.  As I’m bawling down the road I happen to catch this word on a van driving by, in enormous red letters (they covered the entire side of the van!), R E L A X.

Now I know this might not mean anything to you but for me written words have always brought me comfort.  And at this particular moment in my life, I did need to relax-big time!

After my run, I was able to relax, and find my ring in that safe place.

I still don’t know about the job.

All I know is that I’m supposed to R E L A X.

UPDATE: August 24, 2016

So…6 days later, after feeling so lost and sad, I get a call from HR…I’ve been requested to come back where I was.  I got the job for one more year.  And afterwards I was really upset and crying. (I’m beginning to think this is my normal response)  Another one of those tears and can’t see –probably not the best condition to drive in–and drive by a car that has giant words painted all over the windows…  B E     H A P P Y!!!

 

 

 

Bring Back Naptime!

Moving forward toward what?

Sometimes it feels like my body can’t keep moving and I have to stop

But I can’t stop, I have to force myself to keep going

Baseball, swimming, driving, dog walking, dinner, dining, dishes, lunches, everyone else’s wishes

And while I force myself to go, I know that what lies ahead is more and more

Of the same f o r c i n g  m y s e l f  to keep  m o v i n g

I feel lost in space, an unidentifiable place,

My mind can’t remember, my brain simply can’t think

It feels like a dimmer is making me weak

Driving gets dangerous as I begin to stare

At something that probably isn’t even there

And while I stare I tell myself this little story

I’m completely absorbed

“Is that a snake?  It looks awfully large.  It’s gone across the road with a giant barrier…it’ll never get across…it’s going to get hit…smashed flat like a pancake…Is that a red light…oh my!” and crush my feet on the breaks.

Somehow I arrived home safely with my precious needy cargo (hungry, tired, mess making creature that I adore)

Then suddenly for no reason I hear a horrible screech!

Is that horrible screeching coming from me?

I should have known I was way beyond my life tolerance

When I was young, I was giddy like a clown

Ugh, but now I’m grumpy like a scary old lady with a deep frown

Who am I again?

Why can’t I just stay twenty?

Or maybe even thirty.

I’ve gotten so old that I don’t dare care

Well I do but I won’t allow it and don’t

Cause I have too much to lose

Not weight, but this path that I’m on

I’m too invested to deviate from this particular road

Just one more day, one more way, to stay to this path

That screeching was me, not letting myself rest

Ugh so much work, no time to relax

But resting keeps me sane sometimes when I can’t stand it all

Burying myself deep under blankets and pillows

Not letting in any light, ah I think I could sleep here for the rest of my life

When I get up that screeching lady is gone

And the path I was on doesn’t seem so dark and long

I appreciate those that I love, the dishes, lunches, and all of the above

 

 

 

My Breath

“Breathe…breathe…breathe…take a breath,” everyone says.

What does that mean, I ponder, in my endless unrest.

Yellow, bright, warming delight

Afternoon sun, my favorite light

Bright and bold it warms my nose

Like warm water on cold toes

Streams glistening, freely flowing

Buttercups, green grass, sparkling and glowing

Warm, summer breeze, blowing

Chamomile, soothing, slowing

Sheets so soft and luscious, last moments before my mind is dust

No moment, no movement

Reunited with nullity

Finally home

I find my breath

Forever a moment etched in my mind

A merging, an intertwining

A bench, you, timing

 

 

I’m Having a Nightmare While I’m Awake

I’m having a nightmare

Not a nightmare

I’m struggling to wake

It feels like reality, but I know it’s a mistake

Lights are brighter, sounds are sharper, unforgiving

No time, my work unending

No rendering

I’m in hell

Is that a bell?

Endlessly sorting finely grated cabbage into three distinct piles

Green, light green and white, do they go in files?

Children are screaming and laughing

Mouths crammed full of sweets, Cheetos, and piping? (Isn’t that for sewing?)

Math problems swirling around in my head

I forgot how to do those!  My brain must be dead.

Did you say something? What is today?

I know I’m dreaming, all this is not real, this isn’t yadot.

In awhile I’m going to wake up

The door? I can’t find the door to open it up

If I could kill myself, I would

But I don’t die in my dreams like I should

Please just give, something just give

I’m too exhausted to live

So why would I want to wake up anyway?

Should we Bully our Children into Conforming?

I have to say this somewhere so I’m going to say it here.

I have tried to change who I am, thinking there is something wrong with me, for my entire life and then I had my son.  He taught me the most important lesson of my life.  That I was born who I am, and there will be no changing the fact that I am sensitive, emotional, thoughtful, a worrier, a perfectionist, an overachiever, pensive, and often too kind, to the point of sacrificing myself.  (I’m actually still working on some of these as I feel they are a bit destructive, but I’m not trying to change them just tweak them so it’s not harmful.)

Can I also say that I am disappointed in people lately as they do not get some very important aspects of others.  One being that we are sometimes unable to help who we are.  Traits are deeply ingrained in our DNA.  There will be no changing those.  I must get this off my chest as it persists to nag at the, “Hey that isn’t right!” part of me.

My son recently couldn’t wrap his head around why he received what he perceived as a BAD mark against his behavior in the classroom.  “What did I do wrong?” “Why doesn’t she like me?” was all that was going through his little mind.  Then he took it a step further and began telling himself that it would get worse and eventually he wouldn’t be included on the coveted end of the year field trip.  Eventually, he couldn’t get out of bed, he couldn’t force himself to go to school. How sad that his little mind took him this far (Shame on me for not noticing sooner what was going on with my child, ah but there’s that human piece alive and well in me).  This is the ego hard at work, creating grief, but honestly, if you listen then you can understand.  But we don’t listen, we react, we retort, we lament.  Thankfully, I am here (and aware, better late than never mom!) for him and called to inquire about this BAD mark.  Turns out he earned it quit fairly for NOT TALKING. Apparently, according to the rubric talking and sharing during collaborative group work is expected and encouraged.  (Even, mind you ,if it’s a natural character trait to not speak, whether it be shyness, or just lack of that ability, we don’t know.)  Regardless, I’m disappointed that my child is being criticized and told that who he is–this trait that he has inherited (his grandfather-very intelligent man is the same way) is somehow BAD and deserves 2 marks lower than excellent behavior.  I’m wondering what kind of a world we are living in, when teachers fail to understand that they are teaching people (not robots that can be manipulated).  Her words were that she was trying to scare him into talking by giving him a low mark. It didn’t do that to him.  He’s way too smart to give into fear.  And shame on her in the first place for trying to scare anybody’s child in an attempt to make them conform. And when she said he’s too quiet didn’t she understand that this child may not be able to speak?  Shouldn’t she reach out to the parent who already told her that he is sensitive and ask if he’s okay?  Nah, just bully him into conforming-now that feels right! Hey what happened to not bullying others.  Is this a teacher bullying a student? Is this something that you want happening to you or your child? I’ll let you be the judge of that.

Tomorrow is a New Day!

Tomorrow  I’ll get another chance

The thought makes me want to dance

The day will be fresh and new

Just like an early spring dew

I will rise before the sun

Looking forward to so much fun

In the past it was just happenstance

My mysterious happy dance

But when I dream of the day to come

I can only think of you

Of fun

And how you will scream you are number one!

No more darkness, no more fear

Only harmless lovely cheer

Yay!

Let’s play!

Forced Choices

Let me just say that there is something more about my life (and all of our lives) that I cannot understand or see.  I wish I could prove what happens to me, almost on a daily basis.  It’s not supernatural, it’s factual. Just not scientifically based.

This morning I woke up overwhelmed with my life.  I was telling myself I was a failure.  That I wasn’t doing a good enough job.  Making mistakes. Not realizing things were due.  Unsure about how to handle certain situations.  All this about my job and how I was “doing” at it.

Then I go to work and am offered full-time instead of part-time. But I thought I was doing a horrible job?  Nah…just those lousy tapes playing.

What is happening is that every time I think one way (negatively) I learn that quite the opposite is true about me.  Who I am is shown to me through others, and daily experiences.  If I listen, stay aware, then I see, and don’t get lost in fantasy.

Apparently, I am way too hard on myself.  It’s hard for me to see who I really am. I’m so bogged down with all the

m e s s a g e s

From my mother.

Before I was born (before we are all born) still inside the womb we first started getting the messages, the programming that would influence our intellect. So many of the messages were not chosen by me, but given to me.  (Talk about alien abductions!)

Forced Choices

Now I spend my days away from her

Reviewing tapes-not by choice believe me-that sting like a burr

Sometimes they intrigue me

Other times they disbelieve me

There are so many scary seeds

I don’t remember, all their ugly deeds

I blunder through my days, like a blind man with no cane.

No words, no sight, just feelings so blinding, bright and shame.

Weeks rush by like a random river after the rains.

Damaged and bruised like old fruit IT remains.

Rolling around on the floorboard of a hot car on long summer days.

I look at my calendar and am amazed, maybe even dazed.

At my age? This stage? What will be the next war I rage?

A constant struggle, deep inside, how to abide.

With the damaged, angry child inside.

Now this is new an angry you.

For all the times they took from me.

What meant most and was dearest to me.

YOU TOOK MY LANGUAGE!!! I want to scream.

You took my voice and made me a meme.

My future you sealed in a jar.

Buried me deep under piles of shit as heavy as a car.

And you with your attitude oh what of it!

I used to dream of running away from the fit.

I did one day.

I went away.

But boxed it up deep inside to all go along for the ride.

Now here I sit, hateful, but must abide.

Nothing I can do to control it.

But I can HATE it!